Part 69: Chapter 69 (Battle) - The Fury Of The Kingmaker
Update 69 (Battle) - The Fury Of The KingmakerTime to rip Dipshit a new asshole.
The votes were pretty open again - Max/Hawke was a shoe-in, and I've taken these skills. Max's don't matter because I never actually switch to him - Hawke's got the movement-improving skills to let me units totally ignore forests and plains, which will be very handy, and then a few defensive skills - we'll need them, since the enemy has 4 com towers to start, and thus a huge attack boost.
Meanwhile, whilst Sami got the most votes for the blue team, there were a few ties for the second CO. I chose Sonja because honestly, that -1 terrain effect is absurd and I am going to abuse every single feature of this game in today's battle.
I don't intend to "defeat" Dipshit. I intend to destroy him.
Yes, we're ready! Let's get to the carnage already!
Today’s Deployments
Orange Team
Dave, Infantry
Fliss, Infantry
Alfonse, Mech
Carter, Mech
Michael, APC
Fleur, APC
Von Panzer, Recon
Ingo, Tank
Selena, Medium Tank
Lena, Neotank
Rin, Artillery
Fred, Rockets
Blue Team
Vanessa, Infantry
Lysander, Mech
Adelaide, APC
Lowell, Recon
Cassandra, Anti-Air
Petra, Anti-Air
Arqa, Tank
Sebastian, Artillery
Noah, Rockets
Rose, Battle Copter
Andromeda, Battle Copter
The second team's got a variety of Green Earth/Yellow Comet units, but I thought I'd beat Dipshit with the Orange Star crew on the first team today. Doesn't it take you right back to AW1?
Andy is one tough hombre... Look sharp, my dude!
Dipshit is nothing without me winning his battles for him. This isn't going to take long.
You do intend to singlehandedly fight this battle, then? Damn straight. Just move your units to the exact places I tell you to. I'm calling the shots today.
So, the plan?
There's four com towers to capture, and honestly, the enemy forces are pretty underwhelming. If we move fast and strike quickly, we can overwhelm them before they build up much in the way of funds. Plus, one of the com towers, the one up north, is totally undefended, so we can just go and get that one and Dipshit can't even stop us. We'll be splitting our forces into various groups in order to achieve different tasks, so let's go.
Firstly, thanks to the movement-increasing skills, we can block up this factory literally immediately with Von Panzer.
Whilst our tank, Ingo, does a huge hit to this anti-air. The blue team's forces are pretty hard to contest, having two copters, and this is the only real threat to them.
Carter and Fliss will be handling capturing on this side, with Fliss heading south to get the com tower (once those rockets are gone, anyway) and Carter going north to get the factory Von Panzer's so helpfully blocking up.
"Man, this is weird." Carter murmurs. "We were deployed with Commander Andy, and now fighting a clone of him... and did you see the way my dude was talking?"
"I've never seen him look so... cold." Fliss says quietly.
I also move Fred in the rockets down to this specific tile - this puts him in range of something important over the next few turns.
I buy another APC - Fleur. She and Michael will be ferrying Dave and Alfonse towards the other com towers.
Dave hops into Michael whilst Alfonse gets into Fleur.
"Let's get moving, Michael; seems like time is of the essence." Dave says.
"Yeah, no kidding." Michael replies, looking at Dave with some concern. "In all our years of serving in the 11th Division, I've never heard my dude bark an order. Andy really gets under his skin, huh?"
"Seems like it. I'm not too familiar with why, though. Maybe he's still upset about when Nell had to leave, back in that first campaign." Dave replies, but eventually, he shrugs. "Eh, it's not for us to worry about. My dude's always got our back."
Michael heads immediately north, bound for the north-eastern com tower. There's a medium tank in the north-west but it will be dealt with long before it ever gets over to Dave and Michael.
The rest of the units organise themselves like so. Selena, in the medium tank, is heading north to deal with that medium tank, whilst Lena and Lucy, in the Neotank and artillery respectively, will be handling the western section of this battle, where another medium tank and an artillery are hanging around.
"...Good luck out there, Selena." Lena says.
Selena nods. "Thank you, Lena. You too - show them what you can do."
"I won't hold anything back. Not against Black Hole." Lena replies, narrowing her eyes.
My dude's orders are in...it feels weird to be taking orders from him. My infantry can capture those com towers in no time!
It is strange...what is it about Andy that has given him this bloodlust? Still, yes, I will leave the capturing to you. According to my orders, it will be my job to give you as much backup as possible!
So, the blue team will be pretty much entirely dealing with this southern area, and we have more than enough firepower to deal with it.
First thing we need to do is have Rose handle this anti-air.
"Other copters may think twice about approaching an anti-air, but I am Rose Kuroda, and I have no such weaknesses." Rose says, opening fire on the anti-air. "The rest of you, be sure to move quickly. We cannot let the enemy build up their forces."
One of our blue team has another mission, though - Sebastian, in the artillery, will be moving north, for reasons which rhyme with "bleedium blank".
The blue team is also going to be splitting up into groups - this group of Arqa, Andromeda, Noah and Lowell are going to be handling the right side of the area - primarily, the tank, artillery, and whatever gets spawned from that base down there.
"Arqa." Rose says over the transceiver suddenly. "Do you trust me?"
"What? Yeah, of course I do. You and Vanny have helped me become a decent soldier." Arqa replies.
"Good. In that case," Rose replies. "I want you to listen to my dude's orders and trust him as much as you trust us. Alright?"
Arqa nods slowly. "Uh, sure. If you say he's got a plan, then I'll trust that."
Our final group will be dealing with the left side - Cassandra and Petra will obviously be able to handle the copters, then Lysander inside Adelaide, and Vanessa who just has to walk, will be capturing some properties nearby, and the com tower.
And no, the copters can't reach Adelaide's APC - I planned for that.
That's the end of our turn. Time for Dipshit.
So, let's see what these guys have in store for us.
GOD, I am so sick of that mother fucking laugh.
Go ahead! Panic! Run screaming like dogs with your tails on fire! The missiles will fire in 24 days, and there's no way you can stop them. I'll have those com towers captured in 7 days. Now get the fuck out of my way--I'm here for Dipshit! You hope to capture all four com towers? Aha ha ha! Incroyable! Soon you will see my beautiful fireworks light up to the night sky! I won't say it again. Your defeat is an inevitability, so step aside and I won't have to destroy you. Hmph! You think you can scare me with such big talk, my dude? You there! Clone! I expect victory! Do not disappoint...
I do not need reminding. That is my only purpose. THERE YOU ARE.
Up above, the medium tanks start moving in, but they're not important. Arqa, meanwhile, is attacked.
"Wait, wha-" Arqa yelps.
"Is... this part of the plan?!" Arqa gasps.
Vanessa nods. "My dude has everything under control... I think."
The copters move in, and the artillery moves up - it's in range to fire on Fred now, which is annoying. I also didn't screenshot it, but they produced an anti-air from that southern base, because I should go fuck myself.
...
So, you've decided to take control, Clipshit? Good.
There's a lot of things I've always wanted to say to Dipshit, but apparently we have to "be professional" and "not talk shit", so you know what? I'll say all that stuff to you, instead. ...
Ingo attacks the rockets - they need to go before Fliss can move in and get the com tower.
Most people think they know why I find Dipshit, well...a dipshit. I mean, surely anyone whose crush is sent away and replaced with THAT would be annoyed, right? It runs way fucking deeper than that though.
This is why we needed Fred - he's going to be weakening the anti-air heavily to ensure it's not a threat to Rose and Andromeda.
I joined the army because I felt I could do more. It felt like the right choice. And it was! I struggled, but Nell helped train me personally, and under her tutelage, my real talents began to shine through. I was an ACO! I had worth, and value!
Carter continues slowly moving up to the base where Von Panzer's still blocking things up like a champ.
And when it came to the end of my training, I was waiting for it - a promotion to CO. I'd proved my worth. I'd defeated Olaf! I wanted to do more, and being a CO would let me do that! And you know who fucking got that promotion?! You know who stood in the way of me moving up in the army?! ......
Michael drops Dave off, right in range to get the com tower next turn. Honestly, nabbing these things isn't too bad - by the end of this turn, we'll be in range to get two of the four. Why the hell did they give you 24 days for this mission?
Yeah. Dipshit. Some dumbass kid who wasn't qualified for the position, and suddenly I had to be the one relaying his orders to the army. That was really fucking galling. I wondered why - did Nell think I wasn't ready to be a CO? Was it the suits upstairs who made the decision?
Selena moves up to handle the medium tank in the north. For the east, we actually want to play a little defensively. This artillery will consistently move to stay juuust out of our unit's range, like an asshole, and if it's still alive in a turn or so, we're going to eat a hit from it during the Tag Power, which we do not want. I have a plan to deal with it, and first things first, we need Rin in the artillery to position herself right... here.
But no. Suddenly I realised why YOU'D been given the position.
So, blue team's turn. Their job this turn can be aptly summarised in one word: massacre.
You were kicked upstairs. A brilliant mechanic, yes, but an underperforming soldier - putting you in the CO's seat meant you couldn't do as much damage. Why couldn't you do as much damage?
...Well, OK, except for Sebastian, who has to wait one turn before his massacre begins.
Because all of your orders went through ME, the Assistant Commanding Officer. I knew now why Nell had kept me as the ACO - I was the filter for your stupidity. If I'd been made CO and you were ACO, you've have bungled my orders by the time they got to the troops, and my plans wouldn't have worked nearly as well.
Then we get to the slaughtering!
It had to be that way. I understood that...but it didn't mean I didn't resent it.
So yeah, to absolutely nobody's surprise, Cassandra and Petra take out the copters with no problem, leaving the com tower completely undefended. So let's go get that, shall we?
I was effectively trapped. If I sought a promotion, or moving to a new division, I'd have left my soldiers in your hands--they'd have been dead in a battle or two. I stayed for them. I chose to be an ACO, and a damn good ACO, for THEM.
We drop Lysander off near the com tower. In the meantime, Vanessa grabs the airport. The map isn't going to last long enough for the airport to be useful, but hey, we have it, and that's cool.
I often describe that first campaign as "fighting halfway across the world". What I don't mention very often is that the person I was fighting most was YOU, Dipshit. Your stupid plans and silly orders, your lack of planning and communication...all your paperwork. It fell to me to handle all that--to turn your stupid plans into successful strategies.
The murder continues as Noah deletes the tank; we used Arqa to lure it into rocket range, because otherwise, that thing can be pretty troublesome.
And you got all the credit for it! Truly, what an astounding CO you were! That's what the people used to say, anyway. How many of them know it was me? Not many, outside of my own soldiers; because the only victory that was fully attributed to me was the final battle against Sturm.
Andromeda can finish off the weakened anti-air now, which is also great.
My glory...my CO position...my soldiers...all of it was put into your hands, and I was powerless to stop it. All I could do was take your orders and turn them into victories, and I hated every second of that powerlessness. Other COs, I won WITH their best efforts. With you, I won DESPITE your best efforts.
The last person on our slaughter-list for today is this artillery - we can't let it shoot Fred. First, Lowell comes along to weaken it.
"I think I've seen what my dude's plan is. I'm going to help any way I can. That's... what a good soldier should do." Lowell says to himself, opening fire on the artillery.
And...you know what the absolute worst part of you is, Dipshit?
Rose doesn't even have to move to finish it off. I mean, it's not like fuel is ever a concern on a normal map, but still.
It's not the stupidity. It's not the fact that Nell left and I was stuck with you. It's not that you took the job I had earned.
And, uh, yeah, that's how to murder everything on the south side in two turns. I told you we weren't just going to beat Dipshit, but utterly humiliate him.
Arqa's gone down to the HQ to heal in the meantime.
It's that...underneath all that...you were a good kid.
Black Hole's turn. They don't really have much they can do to threaten us.
You didn't do any of that stuff with malicious intent. You were just a kid, doing your best for your country. It made it really fucking hard to hate you.
Our attention is going to be directed to the top-left part of the map next - two medium tanks and a very annoying artillery to deal with next. But considering we have enough firepower to level a megatank, I don't think we'll have too much trouble.
I suppose we should switch. My dude... isn't it? ...I've said everything I need to say. I am not him, but... I am sorry. ...Let's just get this over with.
The COs swap back - we've maxed out Clandy's CO meter, so they're switching to Kindle to get hers maxed out too. Basically, no matter which way we slice it, we're eating a Tag Power next turn. All we can do is make preparations for it.
As usual, we're going to go with the strategy of "make everything dead so the tag power is useless".
Von Panzer can finally fuck off from this base and let Carter capture it instead.
"Base capturing in progress! I'm the best shot in the army - this base will be taken in no time!" Carter announces. "How's everyone else doing? Dave, still slowly getting to the com tower?"
"Don't forget who you're talkin' to, kid." Dave says, raising an eyebrow. "I'm already at the com tower, capturing in progress."
"Whoa, Michael, you drive FAST!" Carter replies, and Michael chuckles.
"I have been doing this for more than a few years, you know, Carter."
Selena strikes the medium tank - we can even do it from the forest for the extra defensive bonuses.
We'll be weakening this medium tank with Rin first...
Which allows Lena to completely blow it away.
"Medium tank dealt with!" Lena says. "I feel...satisfied."
"Don't sit on your laurels just yet, Lena!" Rin replies. "That artillery's still nearby!"
"It's just an artillery. Do we really need to worry?"
"I'd say so." Ingo replies as he finishes off the rockets. "Andy's a CO without weakness - it makes him very solid all-round, so don't underestimate him. Anyway, Fliss, the way to the com tower is open!"
"R-right! I'll move in... and capture it!" Fliss says nervously.
A recon got deployed from this base, so we just rocketinate it with Fred again. I love having rockets in range of an enemy base. It's never not funny.
This is how we shape up for now. I know we haven't moved Alfonse and Fleur yet, but we can't go for the com tower in the west until the artillery is gone. Don't worry - it'll stop being our problem next turn.
The blue team have a couple more things left to do to fully deal with the southern area.
And also this - the whole reason we sent Sebastian up here is to help kill the medium tank, as Selena can't one-shot it; thanks to Andy's huge 5HP heal on his SCOP, anything that is damaged-but-alive during the Tag Power will become a huge nuisance.
Thankfully, Andy can't heal the dead although a CO that can revive all their destroyed units in the place they were when destroyed sounds incredibly cool and also kinda broken so we're good here. In the meantime, Lysander makes a start on com tower number two.
Vanessa gets the airport! Useless, but you know, she's helping.
The rest of the squad move north, partially because they may be able to help, and partially because I have no idea what else to do with them.
Lowell makes the enemy recon regret getting deployed, which frees up the base...
Which we can then put Andromeda on top of. No more deploying annoying shit for you, Andy!
Well, Kindle right now, I guess.
Rose, her point-choking completed, heads north too, backing up the others.
Ooh, Black Hole have their Tag Power. Are you scared? I'm scared.
Actually I was lying.
In all seriousness, if you don't go out of your way to murder every single nearby thing, this is a dangerous pairing - four com towers, alongside tons of healing, and huge damage on cities, these two have a lot of chances to just one-shot your units.
Even this artillery is capable of one-shotting a whole ton of things under Andy's CO Power, which is why I've purposefully ensured that every unit except for Lena is out of its range, even after moving on Kindle's turn.
...
So yeah, let's watch Andy do basically nothing on what should be the most dangerous turn of the map.
...OK, fine, he does one thing.
This Dick Captures A Property: 57
You know, I really expected this counter to be higher, considering how many times I've memed on Black Hole for capturing properties. This averages out at around 2 per map, which feels incorrect.
"You think you're a threat?" Lena says viciously, as the artillery fires. "I didn't come here to play games. We've got a battle to win."
Indeed, even with the com towers, and Andy's SCOP, and being on full HP, this artillery only does 5 damage to Lena.
And that's everything! One of the easier Tag Powers to handle, though I lost more than a few runs to that fucking artillery, running around one-shotting things.
Dave and Carter finish their capturing, and that's one tower down! Also the base but who cares.
Fliss makes a start on the third com tower, since the rockets are history. It's just the final one to the left that's going to take a bit longer, but now the medium tank is dead and the artillery is in range, we can pretty easily clear that area out.
Lena very politely tells the artillery to go fuck itself.
Fleur and Alfonse move in, ready to go for the com tower next turn, and then...
Honestly, I think I've said it before, but recons with no terrain penalties are legitimately fucking stupid, I love it. Von Panzer comes SCREAMING across the map to finish off the artillery.
I have, like, money and bases, but I literally don't need to deploy anything at this point - half a Neotank and most of a medium tank can handle anything that Kindle and Andy can chuck at us.
And the blue team, meanwhile, really don't have much to do.
Well, except for Lysander capturing this, that's pretty fucking crucial. Second tower down!
It also occurs to me that Noah might be able to rocket some motherfuckers by heading west, towards the pipe seam, so I move him back down. Admittedly, it also occurs to me that the map will probably be over by then, but hey, always good to be prepared if something goes pear-shaped.
Vanessa gets into Adelaide, bound for the factory. May as well capture it, since it stops Black Hole doing annoying things like "having money".
There we go, all dropped off. The other units, no longer needed to handle the factory, just go to catch up with Rose's crew.
Arqa does the same, though she stops on this property to get another turn of healing. The middle crew - our anti-airs and Rose - will be handling the northern section now. It's not super huge, but the blue team's HQ is up there, and the enemy's got quite a few infantry, so we need to be aware of that.
Andy, who basically doesn't have any units left, is going to struggle to be a threat this turn.
Two more properties get CAPT, though - it's not super annoying but the more funds they have, the more potential they have to be annoying.
This Dick Captures A Property: 59
That's all, though. Let's just get on with things.
The first thing I do is move Lena up here to blast this infantry's face off. We don't actually have to attack them - the important thing is that Lena is choking the point, preventing those infantry from coming south and harassing Alfonse.
"I... I did it!" Fliss says. "The third com tower is c-captured!"
"C'est merveilleux!" Fleur replies, giving a delighted clap. "Let's go and get the final one, then, Alfonse!"
"Yeah, let's roll!"
And indeed, Fleur gets Alfonse dropped off to start capturing the com tower next turn. The map is basically over at this point, but we have two turns to wait for the capturing, so we can embarrass Andy further in the meantime.
For example, I could get Dave back into Michael and head back to HQ, but there's a Black Hole property here that I can capture to cut into their funds further. Fliss can do the same thing with the property near to her, in the bottom-right.
Selena, Rin and Von Panzer form a defensive core to protect Alfonse whilst he captures.
Let's go and fuck up the enemies trying to harass the blue team HQ in the meantime, shall we?
And also some more capturing - Vanessa's on the base.
Up here, Rose, Petra and Cassandra move in to block the HQ, and since Sebastian's already here, he moves into range to shoot anyone that goes for that undefended property.
Black Hole will now proceed to embarrass themselves.
This absolutely suicidal fucking infantry goes to capture this property, despite being in range of two anti-airs, a battle copter, and a goddamn artillery.
Kindle seems to realise that Andy's making some stupid decisions, as she decides to take over.
I suppose we should switch.
It won't help her.
She can't do anything but helplessly watch...
...as we nab the fourth and final com tower, with 19 days to go. One turn left and victory is assured. Get fucked, Andy.
And Dave and Carter are still merrily capturing things, because they've not got much else to do.
This artillery, however, is an issue. This is why we don't want Black Hole to have money - them dropping rockets or something here could have been ruinous. Here, though, we can just...
...move Lena down one space. She and Fleur can easily prevent anyone getting past.
The rest of the crew form up and prepare for the final turn.
"Not long to go, now!" Alfonse says.
"You can do it, Alfonse! Save all of Cosmo Land and Macro Land!" Rin cries, and Alfonse suddenly winces.
"That's... huh. That's actually what I'm about to do. Never thought I'd do something so grandiose." he mutters. "Heh. Thanks, Rin - here we go!"
Blue team, as per usual, are initiating more massacres.
As well as getting this base. Black Hole aren't allowed rights, or money. Or Adder. Fuck that guy.
Cassandra all but destroys this poor infantry, leaving him on 1HP. I debate for a while about the most brutal way to finish him off, but there's no contest.
The artillery murder circle every time - Sebastian blasts him to kingdom come.
The blue team just sit and wait for more infantry to come blundering over to them.
Do you see those units down in the bottom left? They will not be threats.
Ugh. Another goddamn building, fine.
This Dick Captures A Property: 60
This infantry shoots Sebastian to get revenge for his fallen comrade, but only does like 2 damage.
...
And they're swapping again for basically no reason.
Let's just finish it. Do it, Alfonse.
"Com tower number four captured!" Alfonse announces. "The missiles have been halted - our lands are saved!"
"Nice job, Alfonse. Knew you could do it." Dave says.
"Yeah, that was amazing! Four towers captured in record time - we really nailed it this time, huh?" Michael replies. Dave nods.
"Yup. Black Hole obviously thought fighting Andy would knock my dude's confidence... what they didn't count on was that it would piss him off enough to give the battle 110%."
I will leave you here to die! I...lost... Hey, uh... Andy clone? Kindle just split. Aren't you going to take off, too? It makes no difference. I do not have long... My life will soon fade... like all the clones...
The energy reserves required to keep you functional must be immense. And there's no use devoting that energy to a clone that has failed.
What the... What do you mean? Can't you do something? No need for tears. I am...false... You won't see me shedding any goddamn tears about this. Oh, look... My time... has come... Your body! It's... Oh, no... Look at it... ...Yes. I know... Can I...ask you something? What kind of man is Commander Andy? My...original. ...Commander Andy... Does he have friends? Do people...like him? Hah! Don't make me laugh.
My dude!! Yeah, he has friends. Tons of 'em. I'm one of his best. Andy is a fine CO. Everyone loves him. Well... ...As I said before, he's a good kid. His heart is in the right place. If one person doesn't like him, and the other twenty-odd people do, then he's clearly doing alright. I see... Interesting... I am not Andy... I am just a clone...but...you made me...happy... Aw, damn it, kid, don't make me feel emotions about Dip--about Andy. Seriously. I'm gonna... I'm gonna... ...... ...Goodbye, Andy. Apology accepted. Andy... ...... This is... Oh, man, this is terrible... Black Hole! I'll never forgive you! You're going down!
Not 300 points, but still an S-rank, and I think a seven-day clear of that map is pretty slick. It was Andy! I had to beat him as thoroughly and efficiently as possible.
Hawke promotes! Nobody else does. Hawke's just gonna sit on rank fucking a million or something whilst they're all at like, 5.
...And these end-of-battle quotes don't quite fit the emotional tone of that battle's ending...
Still, another mission down - we're getting close to the end.
I know I normally jump right into the next mission here, but I'm going to save that, as we're approaching the final part of the game. So sometime during the next few days, I'll post a quick intermission to lead into the final mission (you can place your CO votes once that goes up), and next Friday, we'll have the traditional Night Before update. The week after, we'll start with the battle!
See you very soon, folks!
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Update 70 (Intermission) - Black Hole Weekly Report